2012

"Roland Emmerich's movies sucks ass."

That's what I wrote before I had seen it. Now that I have seen it, I must say that I am a man of my words.. This film did try to perform cunnilingus on the anus of the girl sitting next to me.
Uncanny? Yes.
What are the odds of a movie that I said would suck ass, actually comes to life and starts to blow the unsuspecting * of the girl sitting next to me?
I'm chocked to say the least... wait a minute.. the hell I am!
The SoB did exactly what I predicted it to. Hurray for me!

Not only did the directing suck, but the casting blew.
John Cusack and Amanda Peet has to be two of the most boring people in all of Hollywood. How they've managed to hold on as long as they have in this "biss"(some people actually uses that contraction) is a mystery larger than that of a film enjoying a persons behind.
Poor Woody and Danny.. You deserve better.

On a lighter note I can say that the effects in '2012' is way better than that shit they smeared across the screen in 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

PS. This is actually Rolands best movie up to date, but that isn't saying much.

Lesbian Vampire Killers - 2009

Don't let the title scare you off. Phil Claydon's somewhat stupid and charming film isn't that bad at all, and even reminds one of Jean Rollin's old vampire films from the 70's and 80's. But with more laughs and way less nudity.
The beautiful, floating, female vampires are back, yet again wearing see-through chitons(No. Not the molluscs) and lusting for blood. Only this time they are all lesbians.
I shouldn't say "this time", since there have been numerous lesbian bloodsuckers in the past. Jesus Franco's 'Vampyros Lesbos' and already mentioned Jean Rollin's love-tale 'The Living Dead Girl' just to name-drop some. But was 'The Living Dead Girl' really a vampire-film or a zombie-movie?
Well, that's a whole other story. Better save that one for the future.
Better get back to the task in hand again.

Lesbian Vampire Killers. That's right!

Jimmy(Mathew Horne) and Fletch(James Corden) are two guys down on their luck.
When Fletch's totally hot boss sacks him for a small inconvenience at work and Jimmy's skanky girlfriend dumps him for the seventh time, the guys decides to go on a holiday to forget their trouble.
Since money is tight at the moment, Ibiza is way out of the question. Fuck! Why not let the old throwing the dart at the map decide!?
Said and done. Cragwich ends up being the destination and lesbian vampires is what this village is all about. There they met Lotte(MyAnna Buring), whom is just about the cutest thing I've seen in a long time and her friends, Heidi, Anke and Trudi.
Yeah. That's totally their names :)
I don't think I have to tell you anything more about the plot. It's pretty straight forward from here.
This british flick, though entertaining, never really gets a hold of you. The jokes are old, the blood is white and the nudity is barely nonexistent!!
There should have been more stabbings and bashing and tits and blood and tits. The setting and lighting is ace though, as if you give a fuck.
It still delivers just exactly what it promises; Lesbian Vampire Killers.


PS. Did I mention that it lacked tits?