2012

"Roland Emmerich's movies sucks ass."

That's what I wrote before I had seen it. Now that I have seen it, I must say that I am a man of my words.. This film did try to perform cunnilingus on the anus of the girl sitting next to me.
Uncanny? Yes.
What are the odds of a movie that I said would suck ass, actually comes to life and starts to blow the unsuspecting * of the girl sitting next to me?
I'm chocked to say the least... wait a minute.. the hell I am!
The SoB did exactly what I predicted it to. Hurray for me!

Not only did the directing suck, but the casting blew.
John Cusack and Amanda Peet has to be two of the most boring people in all of Hollywood. How they've managed to hold on as long as they have in this "biss"(some people actually uses that contraction) is a mystery larger than that of a film enjoying a persons behind.
Poor Woody and Danny.. You deserve better.

On a lighter note I can say that the effects in '2012' is way better than that shit they smeared across the screen in 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

PS. This is actually Rolands best movie up to date, but that isn't saying much.

Lesbian Vampire Killers - 2009

Don't let the title scare you off. Phil Claydon's somewhat stupid and charming film isn't that bad at all, and even reminds one of Jean Rollin's old vampire films from the 70's and 80's. But with more laughs and way less nudity.
The beautiful, floating, female vampires are back, yet again wearing see-through chitons(No. Not the molluscs) and lusting for blood. Only this time they are all lesbians.
I shouldn't say "this time", since there have been numerous lesbian bloodsuckers in the past. Jesus Franco's 'Vampyros Lesbos' and already mentioned Jean Rollin's love-tale 'The Living Dead Girl' just to name-drop some. But was 'The Living Dead Girl' really a vampire-film or a zombie-movie?
Well, that's a whole other story. Better save that one for the future.
Better get back to the task in hand again.

Lesbian Vampire Killers. That's right!

Jimmy(Mathew Horne) and Fletch(James Corden) are two guys down on their luck.
When Fletch's totally hot boss sacks him for a small inconvenience at work and Jimmy's skanky girlfriend dumps him for the seventh time, the guys decides to go on a holiday to forget their trouble.
Since money is tight at the moment, Ibiza is way out of the question. Fuck! Why not let the old throwing the dart at the map decide!?
Said and done. Cragwich ends up being the destination and lesbian vampires is what this village is all about. There they met Lotte(MyAnna Buring), whom is just about the cutest thing I've seen in a long time and her friends, Heidi, Anke and Trudi.
Yeah. That's totally their names :)
I don't think I have to tell you anything more about the plot. It's pretty straight forward from here.
This british flick, though entertaining, never really gets a hold of you. The jokes are old, the blood is white and the nudity is barely nonexistent!!
There should have been more stabbings and bashing and tits and blood and tits. The setting and lighting is ace though, as if you give a fuck.
It still delivers just exactly what it promises; Lesbian Vampire Killers.


PS. Did I mention that it lacked tits?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - 2009

"I sure hope it's better than the first one."

That's what I wrote back in the days, when I was young and naive.
To ever think that Michael Bay would direct anything that might even be considered as "good", "better", "decent" or "half-bad" is just the thoughts of a madman.
I watched this box-office smash hit yesterday. Big fuckin' mistake.
The robots are even bigger clowns than in the first one and makes Gimli from LotR look serious for a brief moment, the humans are so annoying you just want to shove your hand down your troat and rip out your brainstem. I failed in that endeavor.. pity..
"-Well.. at least it has some frikkin awesome effects, dude", you might say.
Man, if you dude me one more time over special-effects I will end you and your F/X based cunt life, Bear Jew style.
That's right.. Eli Roth ain't the only ma-fakker that can swing a bat.
I could just tell you the truth too and say that the effects looked like whore-shit(that's right, whore).
It's just a mosh of robot parts that move to fast for me to really appreciate.

As you might have understood if you stayed with me this long, is that this is a God-awful film and that you should stay the fuck away!

Peace to the mighty!

Heartstopper - 2006

I hate this film so much!!
I just watched it and I am angry. How can they be allowed to produce such a bad film! For your own sake, don't watch it!! You'll save yourself a irritating ordeal. There is nothing with this film that is good.. I normally Like low-budget horrors and slashers like the ones from Troma, but this is a new low.
It's soooo terrible.. Bad acting, dialouge, plot, directing.. Everything!
-Hello. I'm a random psychopath, recently executed. Now I can suck peoples life-force by holding their hearts!!
Suck my ass!!
The acting is really poor, the directing sucks, the story is laughable but the worst thing about it is the dialogue. Save the world and burn every copy ever produced of this piece of S***. If I could rate it lower, I would!! Minus 10 is more suitable. An advice to all the actors in it; Stop try to act. You are terrible!! You don't have to take my word for it. But you should.
DON'T WATCH THIS SHIT!!!!

PS. Meredith Henderson should really be put out of her misery.

Trailer: I won't give you one.. that's me being considerate.

Baron Blood (Gli orrori del castello di Norimberga) - 1972

If you are expecting something down the line of 'Bloody Pit of Horror',
you are just like me and dead wrong. I was on pins and needles the
first half hour, just to be let down. There is nothing about 'Baron
Otto Von Kleist' that even come close to the awesome 'Crimson
Executioner' in 'Bloody Pit of Horror'. On the other hand one is
supernatural and the other one is just a madman driven by the lust to
kill. Where was I? That's right! Back to the story.. The young heir
'Peter Kleist' comes to his ancestors old castle to supervise the sale
of the place. There he meets the stunning 'Eva Arnold' played by Elke
Sommer. He has only just arrived and struck a pose before people start
disappearing and all traces points to the mentally retarded
grounds-keeper. Yeah right! That twat couldn't kill an afternoon on his
back. But who is it then? Watch it and find out.

PS. This movie totally turned me off Elke Sommer. Her acting is awful in this one.
The beautiful, blonde, german goddess with the seductive eyes unfortunately ruined the movie for me, and I will never be able to look at her the same way again.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic_vEsIeod8

Beautiful Girl Hunter (Dabide no hoshi: Bishôjo-gari) - 1979

This might be up your alley, but chance is that it isn't.
The whole thing starts of one rainy night with an escaped sex-convict, a happily married couple and some rope. You can sort of figure out the rest of that evening.
The wife ends up pregnant and her husband can never get over the fact that it isn't his child, so he humiliates and tortures her untill the day she 'off's' herself.
The sons grows to be a man unworthy of his 'fathers' love and constantly reminded of his horrible heritage.
Whit a dick like that as your dad, you just have to search for your roots, don't you?
Hooking up with chicks isn't a problem for this rich playboy, so he builds himself a dungeon to store them in.
The rest of the film is filled with torture, murder and mayhem, but also real lust and true love.
Wait a minute, you might say. What ever happened to his biological father?
What? You want me to tell you the whole fuckin' movie?
Just watch it already!

PS. All timid girls aren't as timid as they might look.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU_sNI3JjAo

Slaughter's Big Rip-Off - 1973

Hey all you jive hustlers, you stone foxes, you mean dudes. Watch out cause Slaughter is back in town!
If you are looking for a bad-ass, funky film to watch some night, this is just right.
'Slaughter' is back and trying to take it easy n' relax after his adventures down in Mexico.
But if you are a narrow-minded gangster like 'Duncan', you are bound to seek revenge. Why, I don't know. Was 'Hoffo' in the first one his brother or what?
Any who. The movie starts off with the old "assassination from a plane" routine.
We all know that that is THE most effective way for taking out one guy in a picnic, full of people. Needless to say Slaughter survives the ordeal, but Cmndt. Eric Lassard, sorry George Gaynes I mean isn't that lucky. SMACK!!
Also Slaughters best friend Pratt is killed.
This is the start of a grand adventure, filled with the hippest, funkiest music James Brown himself has to offer. That's right 'The Godfather of Soul' has put his trademark up on this bad-boy.
In addition to Jim Brown in the lead part, this movie is filled with some of the biggest names the blaxploitation scene has to offer. How about Scatman Crothers, Dick Anthony Williams, Gloria Hendry and Brock Peters. In other parts we see none other than Judith M. Brown and last but fuck-all least the fantastic Don Stroud as the evil henchman.

PS. Just fuckin' watch it!

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1xhIRj0QZM