Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - 2009

"I sure hope it's better than the first one."

That's what I wrote back in the days, when I was young and naive.
To ever think that Michael Bay would direct anything that might even be considered as "good", "better", "decent" or "half-bad" is just the thoughts of a madman.
I watched this box-office smash hit yesterday. Big fuckin' mistake.
The robots are even bigger clowns than in the first one and makes Gimli from LotR look serious for a brief moment, the humans are so annoying you just want to shove your hand down your troat and rip out your brainstem. I failed in that endeavor.. pity..
"-Well.. at least it has some frikkin awesome effects, dude", you might say.
Man, if you dude me one more time over special-effects I will end you and your F/X based cunt life, Bear Jew style.
That's right.. Eli Roth ain't the only ma-fakker that can swing a bat.
I could just tell you the truth too and say that the effects looked like whore-shit(that's right, whore).
It's just a mosh of robot parts that move to fast for me to really appreciate.

As you might have understood if you stayed with me this long, is that this is a God-awful film and that you should stay the fuck away!

Peace to the mighty!

Heartstopper - 2006

I hate this film so much!!
I just watched it and I am angry. How can they be allowed to produce such a bad film! For your own sake, don't watch it!! You'll save yourself a irritating ordeal. There is nothing with this film that is good.. I normally Like low-budget horrors and slashers like the ones from Troma, but this is a new low.
It's soooo terrible.. Bad acting, dialouge, plot, directing.. Everything!
-Hello. I'm a random psychopath, recently executed. Now I can suck peoples life-force by holding their hearts!!
Suck my ass!!
The acting is really poor, the directing sucks, the story is laughable but the worst thing about it is the dialogue. Save the world and burn every copy ever produced of this piece of S***. If I could rate it lower, I would!! Minus 10 is more suitable. An advice to all the actors in it; Stop try to act. You are terrible!! You don't have to take my word for it. But you should.
DON'T WATCH THIS SHIT!!!!

PS. Meredith Henderson should really be put out of her misery.

Trailer: I won't give you one.. that's me being considerate.

Baron Blood (Gli orrori del castello di Norimberga) - 1972

If you are expecting something down the line of 'Bloody Pit of Horror',
you are just like me and dead wrong. I was on pins and needles the
first half hour, just to be let down. There is nothing about 'Baron
Otto Von Kleist' that even come close to the awesome 'Crimson
Executioner' in 'Bloody Pit of Horror'. On the other hand one is
supernatural and the other one is just a madman driven by the lust to
kill. Where was I? That's right! Back to the story.. The young heir
'Peter Kleist' comes to his ancestors old castle to supervise the sale
of the place. There he meets the stunning 'Eva Arnold' played by Elke
Sommer. He has only just arrived and struck a pose before people start
disappearing and all traces points to the mentally retarded
grounds-keeper. Yeah right! That twat couldn't kill an afternoon on his
back. But who is it then? Watch it and find out.

PS. This movie totally turned me off Elke Sommer. Her acting is awful in this one.
The beautiful, blonde, german goddess with the seductive eyes unfortunately ruined the movie for me, and I will never be able to look at her the same way again.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic_vEsIeod8

Beautiful Girl Hunter (Dabide no hoshi: Bishôjo-gari) - 1979

This might be up your alley, but chance is that it isn't.
The whole thing starts of one rainy night with an escaped sex-convict, a happily married couple and some rope. You can sort of figure out the rest of that evening.
The wife ends up pregnant and her husband can never get over the fact that it isn't his child, so he humiliates and tortures her untill the day she 'off's' herself.
The sons grows to be a man unworthy of his 'fathers' love and constantly reminded of his horrible heritage.
Whit a dick like that as your dad, you just have to search for your roots, don't you?
Hooking up with chicks isn't a problem for this rich playboy, so he builds himself a dungeon to store them in.
The rest of the film is filled with torture, murder and mayhem, but also real lust and true love.
Wait a minute, you might say. What ever happened to his biological father?
What? You want me to tell you the whole fuckin' movie?
Just watch it already!

PS. All timid girls aren't as timid as they might look.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU_sNI3JjAo

Slaughter's Big Rip-Off - 1973

Hey all you jive hustlers, you stone foxes, you mean dudes. Watch out cause Slaughter is back in town!
If you are looking for a bad-ass, funky film to watch some night, this is just right.
'Slaughter' is back and trying to take it easy n' relax after his adventures down in Mexico.
But if you are a narrow-minded gangster like 'Duncan', you are bound to seek revenge. Why, I don't know. Was 'Hoffo' in the first one his brother or what?
Any who. The movie starts off with the old "assassination from a plane" routine.
We all know that that is THE most effective way for taking out one guy in a picnic, full of people. Needless to say Slaughter survives the ordeal, but Cmndt. Eric Lassard, sorry George Gaynes I mean isn't that lucky. SMACK!!
Also Slaughters best friend Pratt is killed.
This is the start of a grand adventure, filled with the hippest, funkiest music James Brown himself has to offer. That's right 'The Godfather of Soul' has put his trademark up on this bad-boy.
In addition to Jim Brown in the lead part, this movie is filled with some of the biggest names the blaxploitation scene has to offer. How about Scatman Crothers, Dick Anthony Williams, Gloria Hendry and Brock Peters. In other parts we see none other than Judith M. Brown and last but fuck-all least the fantastic Don Stroud as the evil henchman.

PS. Just fuckin' watch it!

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1xhIRj0QZM

Wolfen - 1981

At first glance Wolfen[*url1] might look just like any other werewolf-movie, but that's a big no-no.
In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. This 80's horror isn't just missleading it's downright awful. Albert Finney[*url2] stars as detective Dewey Wilson. A New York police-officer that does things his own way.
When dismembered bodies starts to turn up around the city, Dewey naturally turns towards the native-americans, because as anybody who has seen a western-film knows, 'injuns' can shape-shift[*url3](?). Anyhow, this worthless excuse for a police runs around the ruins of south Bronx[*url4] trying to find a supernatural beast that can rip peoples head straight off. But he never really does any police work and he runs as soon as he suspects that there might be something dangerous in the surroundings. Of course he hooks up with his partner without any previous flirtations. I guess that's just how it was in the early 80's, before AIDS and work ethics was invented.
Dewey is nothing more than a puppet, standing in the side-line, observing without grasping jack-shit. I can understand that he just stands, gun lowered, when his boss is attacked[*url5] (who wouldn't), but he just lets his friends drop dead one by one too. Act ffs!!
The summation and standing impression of this film is that Dewey Wilson is the worst police EVER, and I don't talk Bad Lieutenant[*url6] bad. Just totally worthless.

PS. If you hear something that sounds like a baby crying, stay the fuck away!! It could be Wolfen.

Related links:
*url1= http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083336/
*url2= http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001215/
*url3= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tDCbX50olo&feature=related
*url4= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8Cwi6VT64&feature=channel
*url5= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKsyVQcXzW4
*url6= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCQyS5y5QOI&NR=1